Mastering Your Impermanence: Death & Dying
What do you say when someone tells you they are dying? In 2020 I received a call from a past Thermomix customer. When I asked how he was, he replied, “Oh, I’ve been told I’m going to die soon from inoperable brain cancer and I’m not really happy about it.”
The customer’s name was Bob and he was one of those people you instantly love on meeting them; passionate, positive, genuine, funny and full of life. He was 74 when he purchased his first Thermomix and he went from never cooking at all to cooking every day and even building himself a proofing oven for bread-making.
So when he told me he was depressed over his diagnosis I suggested he read my unpublished book manuscript. Not because I think I’m the world’s most talented writer and my musings might distract him from his imminent death, but because I thought some of the stories and philosophy contained within it might help.
Recognising and Accepting Impermanence
You see, I’ve always taken the attitude that being upfront about death, and recognising and accepting the impermanence of, well, everything, is essential to living a content and happy life. Contradictory? Perhaps, but that doesn’t mean it’s not the truth. After all, from the moment we are born, we are fated to die (damn you Adam for munching on that apple). And yes, some of us are dying more quickly than others, but that doesn’t mean the rest of us who believe death is a long way off can afford to ignore impermanence either (we could get hit by a bus later today).
Birth Day vs Death Day
The point being, we only ever know our birth day, none of us knows our death day and everyone should be living life as if every moment matters. We should all be squeezing the juice out of every single experience and spreading love and joy to others around us, ‘cause what the hell is the use of spreading hate, anger and misery, right?
So I figured maybe some of this might rub off on him and I sent him the book, hoping it might change his perception and attitude towards dying. And to my surprise, he read it cover to cover. This is an abbreviated version of what he wrote back. Stick with it because it’s super powerful and worth the read.
TWO MONTHS TO THREE YEARS AND BEYOND
I’d like to tell you a short story of how a chance meeting with an author and the subsequent reading of her book assisted me in seriously changing my take on life.
Rewind to 4th June 2020. I’m laying in Bendigo Hospital waiting for the medical team to visit me with their diagnosis and treatment plan, all manner of thoughts rushing in and out of my head. It was painful, to say the least. But then in comes the team and my oncologist gives me some of the story and remarks, “Have I told you enough today” to which I reply, “I’ve got broad shoulders Doc, lay it on me”. So he says, “You look better than your scans but at this stage I’ll give you two months.”
About this time I had cause to speak to Kat to put her in contact with one of our friends, and I wished her well in writing her book. I also shared with Kat that I’d been diagnosed with inoperable cancer. Kat immediately responded with support and well wishes but best of all she sent me the first few chapters of her memoir: NEVER LET A GOOD DISASTER GO TO WASTE. As I had a fair bit on my mind at the time, it didn’t seem to make it to the priority list.
But back home after the first round of chemo, I felt a dark cloud forming (having experienced a stint of depression many years ago I had no problem recognising the symptoms). What to do, what to do I asked myself, I knew swallowing Valium was not the answer. Get a hold of yourself I kept saying, but that didn’t work either. After a few dark days, my partner Mary suggested I read a book even though I’ve never been a big book reader.
Then I remembered I already had a book on my iPad, Kat’s book! So I began reading the first few chapters. It grabbed my attention very quickly and the deeper I got into it the more I discovered about Buddhism and other philosophies out there in the world. I laughed, I cried, I sympathised, but most of all I admired the transparency of a no BS story. So what did reading this book do for me?
Did it turn me into a Buddhist? NO
Did it change my lifestyle? NO
Did it make me more religious? NO
Did it cure my illness? NO
BUT it did get me out from under that dark cloud by teaching me about options, choices, awareness, acceptance and a whole range of other issues, all of which I now know are controlled by mindset. You just have to have the right combat tools in your arsenal.
Kat’s book helped me to see and adapt to a different take on life, and this made life much more pleasurable for me, and no doubt for others around me as well.
No one has to suffer, we all have choices.
One of Kat’s many wise quotes I took on board was this one: All the suffering in the world comes from thinking of oneself. All the happiness in the world comes from thinking of others.
Suffice to say, two months has turned into three years and I’ve traversed quite a few rivers utilising Kat’s stepping stones. I’m living a much happier life as a result of this. Thanks Kat.
Bob
You Always Have A Choice
Being diagnosed with an incurable disease or a terminal illness is something nobody wants to hear. But once the shock dies down, you are always left with a choice - the biggest of which is, how to approach your remaining days? With a sense of gratitude and celebration or with dread and fear?
4000 Weeks
Remember this: the average human lifespan is absurdly, terrifyingly, insultingly short. Assuming you have a good innings and you live to be 80, that gives you 4,000 weeks, give or take. 4000 weeks.
So if we live every week as if it’s our last, what would we change in our life? What regrets would we right? How much more love could we give? How much self-judgment would we just throw away so that we could focus on what really matters?
Bob lifted the weight of dread of a dying diagnosis off his shoulders and made the choice to live and be a beacon of love and happiness. So did my dear Uncle John, who died last year celebrating his life with margaritas and beers rather than fear and tears. And you can too. All it takes is a flip in perception and a change in mindset.
You can start by downloading my free PDF on the 12 Principles to Master Your Disaster here (hint - one of the principles is Acknowledging Impermanence!).